life is just too boring. always has been. in one of my favorite fantasies, i'm standing at the edge of a cliff, contemplating jumping. a girl sees me there.  she's not sure what to do about it. i'm not sure what to about it. what happens next always varies.

R: "you can call yourself a vampire if you want. if you call yourself a vampire, i will be your blood.   because i want to give everything to you, i want to give my emotion, i want to give my mind, i want to give my heart, i want to give my energy.  i can pour into you.  if you want me to pour into you.. i will pour into you."

R: "don't you know that i do nothing but my best to show you love and affection.  don't you know that i'm not invincible. don't you know that when you do that to me it hurts.  don't you know that I don't deserve it."(hugs...)

R: "yes, well, maybe you need to learn to not need me - or maybe love's expression knows no rules. or maybe i am your temporary stepping stone to get where you want.  see?  it's all ideas.  i just do what i want.."

R: "you don't have to feel that way.  you don't have to be intimidated because i am more giving.  you don't have to be intimidated because i am more loving, or more joyful, or i have more ideas.  what could i possibly do, right now, to make you feel that.." (leans back against her, brings her fingers lightly to my face..)

R: "i don't know how long.  if you don't change,..you know.. a little bit.."

R: "you can have my everything. but i have to admit.. (looks up at her, puppy dog eyes) it's sometimes a little draining."

R: "yes.  it's okay to be so... what's the word.  I was secretly hoping you would come out with that. I just didn't have the bravery to try.. you are right to let me know that.  so, i just.. i don't know.   i can't make any guarantees.  what do you think about... you know. it doesn't matter how long.. it's just me and you, and the now."

R: "is it security you want?  is it the feeling that you will wake up tomorrow and nothing will have changed?"

R: "i kind of want to.. yes and no.  i just don't make any plans."

April 6, 1993. [not actual date of transcription.]

i awaken, early in the morning - before sun rise. i walk out of the cottage.. Snow-laden trees.. the ground, also covered in snow.  foothills - steep, but only about 2-3 feet high. curvy & looping roots sometimes strewn through the snow. a moon in the distance; i think it is the full moon.  i can see my own breath

standing there, 20 yards away, she has perfectly pale skin.  her hair is jet black - as far as I can see in the moonlight, which is cast only from behind her.  she is looking at me, but i sense no trepidation. her clothes are light cloth. white.  her eyes, perfectly black.. or so it might seem.

I awaken from my dream..
God says, 'Just Kidding... not even your dreams will be this good.'

..I wake up from my own imagination.

i wake up, in an endless scape of ice.
it is a dark sky. there are not even stars, though sometimes I think i see blotches.
the ice is fairly flat, with some incongruities, cracks, etc.  it is slightly bluish, in most places.
the air is not exactly freezing, but you are cold enough while sitting on ice.   i've already walked far and wide trying to discover this place.  (i don't actually care, but i feel obligated to as, as a living animal.)  my feet are tired and my muscles ache. there is only ice, and more ice.  i am sitting down.
there is no weather.  there is no moon.  i'm not even sure about an Earth.  there is no Milky Way.  there are no others, there are no bugs on the ground.
after a certain time, i decide that night does not pass; day does not come on this planet.
i lie down, and there is nothing to eat.
i am freezing to death, but only very slowly..
i'd never felt so forsaken in my life.  i never got to feel so forsaken - in the ways i always had been, despite all the humans amongst me.
my lips are turning blue.  i think i feel icicles.  my breath is crispy, in that i think that maybe when i breathe in & out, water freezes and melts in my mouth & lungs..

I'd never been happier.
Thank you, god..

i'm at the 7-11.  guy, dressed all in black, rushes in.  was he wearing a facemask?  hard to say.  commotion.  mostly i know what's going on by feeling how nervous the lady at the cash register is.  she is stessed out.  gunshots.  one hits me.  my clothes are becoming soaked.  i worry about this.  i cherish my clothes - mostly my shirts.  it is not easy to find good clothes in this town.  i am on the ground, sitting.  i've leaned up against an a display..it's mostly filled with junk food. i worry about getting some of my blood on the junk food.  i hear voices, a nice and well-intentioned lady, straight black hair, in primarily purple. "don't give up.  hang in there."  a girl, about 17 - she has white hair. unusual, i think. "i've called an ambulance."

i recognize these voices as irrelevant to me. they are not talking to me.  they are talking at me. they are talking to their image of me, what they wish me to be.  they want to express themselves as the givers of hope.  they don't know me.

i am not fighting.  i think about my life, all the decisions i've made that don't help me.
i think about how the rules of consciousness apply, no matter where you are.  there are no wrongs and rights, but the rules still apply.  you can ignore them, but it doesn't get you anywhere.  if you're fucked you're fucked.  ignoring them long enough doesn't make you unfucked.
i think about my afterlife.
time to get to reason. my afterlife will not be particularly better than this one.  we go through what we carry through.  i have not deserved it, but karma doesn't make exceptions for being a nice guy.
i do not want to care.   i want to let go, now.  i don't even want to worry about the dangers of unraveling in complete haphazard.  i want to completely let go. i want it over.  what happens will happen. nothing could be worse than my life.

a 15-year-old, fairly pretty hair.  an okay face, rather pale, somewhat wide cheekbones, etc.  wearing lipstick, but it doesn't look too unnatural on her. i guess she knows her lipstick.  she's with two other girls, seemingly younger than she; or if she's not, she's temporarily chosen to associate with them.  (one is dirty blond, straight hair.)
at her angle of stance, she seems to be looming over me.
"He wants to die."

children are like that.  they are brave, but they lack in compassion.  it is a message for her peers. she's talking about me - not at me. i feel disrespect. i don't need to die like this.  i get up, and walk to the other side of the store. i  lean up against a different display. i'm facing toward the wall.  drinks, icecream, and microwaveable meals.  and even a delapitated microwave, grey&black -- somewhere off to my left.
i want to die now.  i don't have the choice..
usual time for a shot-wound to the gut is 8-14 days.

we're just on our way out of the mcdonald's parking lot. we pause there, checking our meal - because they don't always quite get it our way.
the guy behind us honks.
i cavalierly stick my arm out the window and give him the nonchalant finger.
he gets out of his car, and comes up to my window. i'm only slightly nervous. moreso i admire his bravery. it's not because in some spiritual sense we're supposed to engage conflict. it's because he is nervous too, what he is doing is standing for the karma of humanity, though he's not quite aware of that himself; he could not do that if he were not of it.
this old greying man tells/asks me something in his cathartic voice.  what right do i have to give him the finger? what about his right to leave the parking lot?
i tell him, "you should have patience. there's enough negativity in the world already. and yes, i fight negativity with negativity. and no that's not virtuous.  now get out of my face."
he tells me, "if anything i have learned something about engaging negativity.."
i tell him, "i hope so.  ..and that's not a snide remark."
he gives me this strange look.  it is a message about contradiction in absurdity.
in a symbolic gesture, i temporarily cover my eyes, with a wave downwards of my hand. he's walking away.

http://inhahesthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/08/life-isnt-about-platitudes.html

stupendly: "The CoRrupTion In YouR SouL ThroWs me Into the Lays of SelF-DeLusion and PacTs with iGnoraNce. I WanT to TeaR YOU to pIEcEs and reGaiN my SiGHt for YOU to beaR"

auriebella: "Stupendly, when I read that I cried in my bed for 11 and half hours, and I wanted to tear myself to pieces."

stupendly: "That Makes me Happy, because it Makes me Think you still Love me, and One day, Maybe I will be Able to lie Next to You."  "see?  we're both perverted."

chita: ..it's times like that that we recognize that we love you..
barbo: don't insult me like that. you should love me anyway. where's your faith. that's why i have disappointment.
chita: ..that's not entirely unfair
chita: ..but..
chita: ..it's not entirely fair either.